Marauders Reports
by WizardWay
Summary: The infamous Marauders start up an editorial...This should be good. Well, not good. More like entertaining.
1. The First Report Week 2, Year 5

_**Well, a new story. I kind of hate myself right now. I promise, though, I will keep updating all of my stories…at some point. This is sort of a play-off of the Marauders-Advice-Columns there seems to be a lot of…just with editorials instead. Hope you enjoy!**_

Normal ~ James Potter

**Bold ~ Sirius Black**

_Italics ~ Remus Lupin_

Underlined ~ Peter Pettigrew

May we present to you…The Marauders Reports! We, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and the ever-amazing James Potter shall –

_Arrogant much?_

**Pssh, he's always arrogant. Just like I'm always wonderful!**

_Again I ask…arrogant much?_

ANYWAY, we the Marauders shall endeavor to bring you stories about all the goings-on here at Hogwarts and give our wonderful opinions on them! Won't this be fun?

_No._

Sure!

**Of course, who wouldn't want to hear my opinion?**

_Me, for one. _

**You don't count. **

_I'll disregard that comment. This is a ridiculous idea, just so you know._

**Of course it is! That's why it's us that came up with it and not some boring stick in the mud. **

I thought Remus was a stick in the mud. You called him that last week. 

**Shut up, Pete!**

_Sirius, I'm not a stick in the mud. I just…don't particularly enjoy all of your crazy hare-brained schemes._

**Yes, you do, you're just hiding it. **

So, we present to you….THE MARAUDERS REPORTS! Starting with me of course!

My Latest Attempt in Asking Out the Gorgeous Lily Evans

By James Potter

So, you may or may not know that I am slightly infatuated with a beautiful girl named Lily Evans…

…

_James? You awake?_

**He's in an Evans-induced coma. There's no returning from those. Well, unless you know the trick to get him out of it…**

**OI, POTTER! EVANS SAID SHE WANTS TO SNOG YOU!**

What? Where? Evans? I mean, Lily? She wants to snog me?

**Ha, he falls for that every time…. **

_That's cruel. No, James, Lily isn't here. Please continue with your article. _

Sirius, I'm going to kill you…So, as I was saying before, I am in love with Lily Evans.

**We know. **

_It's pretty obvious._

Even I notice. 

Okay, so everyone knows I like Evans. She however, has yet to recuperate my feelings…

She hates you. 

_She truly does. _

**A lot. **

She hates you, too, Black!

**True. But she hates you more. The only one of us she can stand in Remus, for some odd reason beyond our comprehension. **

_It's because I'm her friend and treat her like a real human being. _

I treat her like a human being! A glorious, beautiful human being…

**There he goes again.**

I'm back!

So, I often attempt to get Lily to go on a date with mixed results.

_Mixed results? She hexes you so badly you don't even look like a primate, let alone a human._

**The end of last year's transformation was hilarious, though…Can you imagine our James here covered in whipped cream with a cherry on top? In a plastic dish? If you weren't there, I took pictures. I'd be happy to show them to you…**

You took pictures? I need to find them and burn them.

**Not a chance. They're hidden in a super-secret place you'll never find in a billion years. **

_They're in your pocket._

**Moony! How could you betray my trust like that?**

_I didn't. You never told me where they were. I made a highly educated guess._

Give me those!

_Since you readers cannot see this, James is trying hard to gain access to the pictures while Sirius laughs eagerly, waving them in front of his face…_

Oh, look, James got them! He's throwing them in the fire…

HA! I got them.

**Evil James – those were my best blackmail photos!**

Shouldn't James be writing his article? 

**Right you are, Petey. Continue, Jamesie. **

Don't call me that. Now, my last try to get Evans wasn't as successful as I hoped.

_None of them are. _

Shut up, Remus. I did really well. I was nice to her, very gentlemen-like, and she still turned me down! Can you believe it?

_Yes, I can. _

Why does everyone hate me?

**Because you make it just so easy. **

Argh, just leave me alone!

**Well, James just stormed out of the room without finishing his article. He gives up too easily. Except in the case of Evans, of course. It's been three years and he still hasn't stopped…honestly.**

**So, I shall continue! Yesterday, during dinner, James hopped up on the table, shot sparks out of his wand, and proceeded to say 'Lily Evans, would you do me the honor of accompanying you for a date at the Three Broomsticks?'**

**Now, this was getting funny, because Lily had that twitch in her eye she gets whenever…well, whenever James is talking to her. And she says 'Go to buggery, Potter,' and proceeds to hex him to oblivion, with feelers coming out of his mouth. Ah, so funny!**

_You shouldn't laugh at other's pain, Sirius._

**But you laugh at my pain all the time!**

_That's different._

**How?**

_You usually deserve it._

**Ouch. That hurts. Now on to my article, which, I assure you, is much better!**

**How to Get Out of Doing Homework**

**By Sirius Black**

**Homework is evil. We all know this. **

_It's not evil. Homework builds character. _

**Pssh, no it doesn't. That's just what teachers say to make you do it. You're a teacher in disguise, Remus. **

_No, I'm not. If I was a teacher, I'd give you detention for spreading these easily-against-the-rules-reports. _

**But then you'd have to turn yourself in, too! Besides, can't you give detention anyway now, since you've gone over to the DARK SIDE?**

_Being a prefect isn't the dark side, Sirius. And now that you mention it, I could give you detention…_

Should not have said that, Sirius.

**James! You're back!**

Yeah, yeah, get on with your article.

**So, homework is evil. And so are teachers. Especially McGonagall. That woman has it out for me, I swear. If you don't want to do the homework, there are three simple ways to get out of it. **

_Somehow I get the feeling they're not all that simple…_

**A – This works great for McGonagall's homework. Just get a spot on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team and she'll let you off easy.**

Yes! Come for trials! They're this Saturday, and we need a Seeker, and two Beaters! We need good players! C'mon, show up! We NEED to win the Cup this year…

_Forgive James. He's a Quidditch maniac. _

**Bit more of a maniac. Now, if Quidditch isn't your thing, you can always find a smart friend you can copy off of! Like Remus!**

_I'm not letting you copy this year._

But if you don't let us copy, I'll fail! 

**Me, too!**

And me!

_No, you won't, not if you do the work. _

**But that's the whole point! With you, we don't have to do the work!**

_Which you really should be doing. _

**Don't listen to Remus, readers; he's all uptight about homework. **

_I'm not uptight, but if you want to succeed in life, you need to do your own work, not copy off of someone else's. Besides, how can you copy my work if you can't find it?_

You hid your work? Evil Remus.

_It's already been established I'm evil. You told me last year. _

You told him that a lot of times, actually. 

**Well, he is evil! He makes us…THINK FOR OURSELVES!**

It's terrible thinking for yourself. I don't know how Remus does it all the time.

And he has to think for all of us, too!

_Yes, yes, you'd all be lost without me. Please continue, Sirius, we're getting off-topic. _

**Right, thanks, Remus. And then there is my third option, usually the most successful…**

_Oh, dear, this will not end well. _

**You can steal the professor's answer key! **

_I was right. It did not end well at all. _

That's crazy, Sirius, and even you know. Sure, we do that with the Slug of Horns, and occasionally for Flitwick and Sporx, but McGonagall? Insanity.

_And what about when it's an essay? There's no answer key for those._

**That's when you copy off of the smart person. **

_That's great, Sirius, just great._

**I thought so!**

I think he was using sarcasm.

Argh, Remus in Sarcasm Mode, is not pretty.

**But he's sarcastic all the time!**

Exactly.

_I hate you all. _

**And that finishes up my article, which is most obviously the best, and probably the only reason you'll pick up this paper tomorrow.**

_The OWLs_

_By Remus Lupin_

_Now, students, for some of us (such as your authors here), it is our fifth year, which means OWLs are steadily approaching. Even if you're not in fifth year, I urge you to read so you can be prepared for them in the future or for NEWTs if you are sixth year or above. _

**I've been dreading fifth year for this exact purpose.**

What, the tests?

**No…the torturous process…you know as well as I do, James, that Remus shall force us to do that awful thing…**

_Study?_

**Yes. That. **

It's so terrible we can't even say the word.

Studying is terrible. I can't concentrate long enough to study. 

_Now, I'm not big on the studying either, but you absolutely need to in order to pass. And we wouldn't want to repeat the year, would we?_

…

_Would we?_

**If it meant we didn't have to do that horrendous thing…**

_I give up. You're all hopeless cases._

_To those of you that actually care about your grades, I suggest you start studying right away – I know it's only September, but just light revising will help you in the long run, I promise._

Is it my turn yet?

_Almost, Peter. I'm nearly done._

_Now, if you are at all like James and Sirius and won't study until ten minutes before the OWL, just know that if you fail it will affect you for your entire life. If you don't get certain OWLs, it limits your ability to get a job, and if you pass fewer than three, chances are slim indeed of you ever succeeding in life. Sooner or later, you'll end up in a dead end job, living off of nothing, no family, no children, just you, and you'll look back on your fifth year and think 'I wish I'd done better on my OWLs…'_

**Remus, you are scaring the readers. **

_We don't have any readers yet. _

Well, it's only a matter of time! Soon this will be the most well-read piece of news in the school!

**Yeah, and girls will flock us asking for our autograph! **

_You're all delusional. Go ahead, Pete, I'm done._

Yay!

New School Year 

By Peter Pettigrew

So, it's the new school year, and everyone got back one week ago. 

**They know that, Pete. **

Just making sure.

So, my article…I don't know what I should say, really. I hope everyone does really well in their classes, though!

Oh, and welcome to the new first years! 

…

Peter, you going to continue?

That's all I have to say. 

_Okay, then, I suppose we're done._

**That was way too short, Peter, next time WORK ON IT SOME MORE. **

Sorry.

_Be nice, Sirius, Peter did very well. _

**Whatever.**

So, readers, until next week, this has been your lovely Marauders!

_If any of you have any issues you'd like us to address here, please drop us a line! _

**Until next time! **


	2. The Second Report Week 3 Year 5

_**Thanks to my whole one reviewer. I'll try to do better with that, Insanity's Queen. Enjoy the story, and please review!**_

Normal ~ James

**Bold ~ Sirius**

_Italics ~ Remus_

Underlined ~ Peter 

Welcome to the second installment of the Marauders Reports! I, Peter, am starting with my article this time, because James and Sirius are pranking Snivellus and Remus is ill. 

Guide of Hogwarts for Incoming First Years

By Peter

1 – Respect Dumbledore, because Dumbledore is a great Headmaster who lets you get away with mischief

2 – Avoid Filch and Peeves, because Filch will give you detention for breathing too loudly and Peeves will catch you out after hours and report you to Filch who will give you detention. 

3 – Do well in class. Especially in McGonagall's class, because she'll skin you alive otherwise. 

4 – Pull pranks, because this school needs brightening up. (But don't pull pranks better than ours.)

5 – This is the most important. Don't listen to anything Sirius Black tells you. Ever. I know he's my friend, but last year, he told the first years that Flitwick's classroom was in the Forbidden Forest. Some of them actually went in…it took three days to find them.

Remember these tips and you'll do well, first years! Now I have to go find Sirius and James…

**We're here! I'm proud to report that Snivellus is currently flashing in rainbow colors and stuck to McGonagall's office door. **

It was fun – tomorrow we'll go after Avery!

If Remus was here, he'd get mad at you and go into a lecture about being more responsible. 

Good thing Remus is ill, then.

**Is it time for my article yet? **

**Please? **

**Please?**

Sure, go ahead. You're done, right, Peter?

Yep. 

**Goodie!**

**How to Make McGonagall Love You**

**By Sirius Amazing Black**

You're middle name isn't Amazing.

Yeah, it's Orion. 

**Shh, some people don't know this! **

**Anyway, readers, our lovely Professor Minerva M. McGonagall loves us Marauders! It's shocking, I know, but she needs fun in her life. It always brightens her day to have prank pulled in her class…**

_No, it doesn't, it makes her take ten points from Gryffindor and gives her another grey hair. _

Remus! You're back from the Hospital Wing!

_Yeah, I am. Now will Sirius get on with his article correctly?_

**It is correct! McGonagall secretly loves all of our pranks. Now, one of her personal favorites is when you give Snivellus (or any slimy Slytherin) a love potion and have them fall in love with inanimate objects…she always gets a good laugh out of that. **

No she doesn't. Her nostrils flare and she gives you and James a detention cleaning out the trophy room. 

**That's her way of telling us she loved it. **

_You're an idiot, Sirius._

No, he's just special.

_Ed. _

**Huh?**

_Muggle joke. _

**You know we don't get Muggle stuff, Remus. **

It's so complicated.

I don't understand it at all. What do you do with a fellyfone? 

_It's a telephone, and you make calls on it. I'll explain it in more detail later._

**Good. I need to write! McGonagall also really loves it when you talk loudly in class. **

_No, she takes points from Gryffindor. _

Lots of points. Last time she took 30. 

No, it was Slughorn that took thirty from Sirius and me when we blew up our failed potion in his face.

_McGonagall took thirty as well when you were talking loudly about what kind of shampoo you thought she used. _

That was just creepy. 

**We needed a distraction for Remus to steal her hat!**

_I don't know why I decided to steal her hat for you two. What did you even want with it?_

…Nothing.

**Nothing at all. **

_Never mind, I don't want to know. _

**So, not only does McGonagall love all these things, she also loves it when you flirt with her. **

_Don't ask why he does this. It's very disturbing, and going through it is hard enough, let alone wondering WHY it happens. _

I have to agree with Remus on this one, mate. You flirting with McGonagall is just creepy.

Definitely. 

**She doesn't find it creepy! She finds it endearing! **

_Keep telling yourself that. _

**I will, thank you very much!**

_Please don't listen to anything Sirius said. _

No, listen to the first two points, but not the third. She loves the first two.

_No, she doesn't. Anyway, if you really want McGonagall to love you, do well in Transfiguration, don't talk too much in class, don't pull any pranks, and be nice and courteous to her. _

**But Remus, she hates all those things!**

_See what I mean? Sirius, your article is done._

**No, it's not! She also loves it when you…**_**mmph, mmph. **_

James just covered Sirius's mouth with his hand until we get onto the next report. 

_James and his Pathetic Attempt at Asking Lily Out_

_By Remus_

It wasn't pathetic! It was a good shot!

**If you call her turning you into a life-size doll a good shot. **

Well…you guys turned me back!

_It took three days to find the correct spell during which you kept falling over, could barely talk because your mouth was frozen in place, made us move your arms and legs, and the teachers telling you to get a hold on yourself. _

What I don't get is why the teachers never turned him back. 

**They found it humorous. I think I heard Flitwick telling Lily what great Charms work she did on that. **

It's not funny!

_It's hilarious. Anyways, this is just the end result of the asking out. The way James asked her is far worse than this. _

It is not!

**Yes it is. **

_Anyway, we were out in the courtyard in free period, and Lily was sitting with her friend Dorcas. They were working one their Potions essay until who should show up but none other than James Potter, holding a red rose. _

**With how in love you are, I wouldn't be surprised if you brought her a lily. **

I brought her a lily at the end of last year! She told me she hated lilies and proceeded to give me an electric shock with her wand.

**Ah, memories…**

_We're getting off-topic. As I was saying, James brought her a red rose. He said 'Evans, I wish you'd let me bring you to Hogsmeade.' _

_Lily, without looking up from her paper, said 'I already told you no two days ago. That's my final answer.'_

_James, being James, wouldn't take it. 'You know you want me,' he told her. 'It's okay, you can admit it.'_

_Lily looked up from her homework and said 'Potter, I do not want you. I will never want you. Please leave me alone.'_

_James still didn't give up. 'No, Evans, I won't leave you alone. Because we are meant to be.'_

_This is when James started serenading her in a truly awful voice about how much he loved her. He attracted the attention of almost everyone in the vicinity, who stared at him. Lily, turning beet red, finally hexed him, turning him into a life-size rag doll which we couldn't find the counter curse for in three days. _

**That was hilarious. **

Until we had to help Rag-Doll-James for three days. 

**True, that wasn't as much fun. Okay, Rag Doll, time for your article now!**

I'm not a rag doll!

_Anymore. You were two days ago. _

I hate you all.

Bothering Snape

By James

**Ah, one of my favorite hobbies! **

_You two should really lay off on him. _

Never!

**That's preposterous!**

We shall bother Snape for all eternity!

_I give up. If I haven't persuaded you two in five years to be nicer to Snape, I doubt I will today. _

**That's the spirit!**

Now, bothering Snape is truly a wonderful thing, especially when he turns that purple color…

…_when you put the color-change charm on him. _

Not always, Remus, not always. There are three ways to bother Snape successfully.

1 – Make him fall in love with inanimate objects.

**This is a riot, folks. **

It was really funny.

_Even I have to admit that it was entertaining. _

I'm a genius, aren't I?

2 – Make digs at him and Slytherin house in general. We do this anyways, so it's hitting two birds with one stone!

And finally, the most important and most successful of them all.

3 – Call him Snivellus.

**Snivellus, Snively, Sniveler! **

Ha ha, Sniveler. 

_Well, that's all we have for this time. Now, not too many of you sent in anything to us…_

**So get up and do something!**

_What he means to say is please send in support, issues you'd like us to address, or anything you think we should add. _

That's all for now!


End file.
